I really should be working on a paper. And I will. But first I felt the need to complain. Complain about where I am in life.
Now don't get me wrong. God has given me so much and I will be eternally grateful for all that He has given me. I am truly blessed. But I think and hope God will understand if I complain every now and then. After all I am human and it is human nature. I cannot be happy all the time. So....
Yet ANOTHER friend of mine is getting married. Sorry, another TWO friends. And here I am, almost 30 and not a proposal on the horizon. But, you might say, a lot can happen in a short amount of time girl. You never know. And I will respond with, yes, I know. But that's what I thought two and half years ago when I moved away from my hometown which is small with a non-existent young, Muslim, male population.
However, this is not a rant because I am alone. I am fine with being alone. My complaint is about the looks of pity I get from others. My complaint is about the pressure my parents feel to get me married off. My complaint is about the culture that tells us that women are nothing without a male companion. My complaint is about the culture that tells us that marriage is about companionship and not love.
I know that when I get married I will most likely be getting married because it will be the right thing to do. I think my match is someone with whom I will be compatible and get along with - not someone I will love. I do not even know if I am capable of loving someone. I think my heart is too tired to love. I think my mind is too tired. Or maybe love really is overrated. I often see myself as one of those desi women who gets married because that is what she is supposed to do. I will devote myself to my husband because that is what a good desi wife does.
Or maybe I'm scared to get married. Maybe because there is no one in my life right now who I want to marry it seems unnatural and unrealistic. At this point getting married does seem like a terrifying prospect because getting married at this point would mean marrying someone I don't know or love.
Yet, despite all this I crave being in a relationship. I crave having someone. I crave the conversations, the excitement, the passion, the weak knees, the butterflies in my stomach, the comfort. I do feel that as a heterosexual woman I do need that special someone.
I don't know if writing this will have negative repercussions for me. There are walls around me which I'd like to take down but the risk is too high. Who knows what will happen with me. Who knows what God's plan is.
I know things will get better. Insha'Allah. But for now I'm feeling a lot of confusion. We'll see where things go in my life.